the Case of the Stolen Diary
by Mairi Le Fay
Summary: James, while looking for borrow a textbook from Lily, finds something more interesting-the diary of said redhead. Can James withstand the temptation to steal it? Can he avoid Sirius's wild rampaging long enough to learn anything important from the diary? And-most importantly-what will Lily Evans do if she finds out who took her extremely private, confidential diary?
1. An 'Interesting' Discovery

The Case of the Stolen Diary

Prologue

"Evans."

"No."

"Evans!"

"NO!"

James Potter was bad at Charms. Lily Evans was excellent at charms. So, he had caught her outside the Fat Lady's picture to ask her to help him out. And while they studied, he could start getting closer to Lovely Lily. It was the perfect plan—Unfortunately, Lily was having none of it.

"C'mon, Evans, why can't you just help me with my Charms homework?

"No, no, NO!"

"PLEASE. I need you to help me out. And besides, you're the best at Charms in Gryffindor, maybe even the whole school." A little flattery wouldn't hurt, would it? James could see Lily internally debating whether or not to surrender. Finally, she sighed in defeat. "Fine. Where's your Charms textbook?

"Uh, I…sorta…'misplaced' it."

She rolled her eyes. "Mine's in my bag, in the common room."

He nodded, told the Fat Lady the password ("Bat Sweat") and jumped into the common room. On the floor by the fireplace was a green book-bag with the initials L.M.E written on it in gold. As he reached for the textbook, he noticed another book—smaller than the one in his hand, a deep shade of red, with the same initials emblazoned on the front. Lily's diary.

Now, there was obviously nothing more enticing to James Potter than Lily's diary, other than Lily herself. He snatched the diary before he knew what he was doing, ran it up to the boys' dorm and hid it in his dresser, and ran back out the door to Lily. She accepted the textbook from him and he followed her to the library, a strange combination of guilt and excitement taking over his mind.


	2. Interruptions--Now With Beatles Songs!

Aloha everybody! It's Mairi Le Fay, here with the next chapter of "The Case of the Stolen Diary." I hope you guys are enjoying this story so far, because I certainly enjoy writing it. This story will get more random and crazy towards the end, I promise. Happy reading!

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure JK Rowling, being a billionaire, has better things to do than go around suing fanfiction authors, but I'll say it anyway—I, Mairi Le Fay, am no more than a snarky fangirl and therefore I do not own Harry Potter.

"Lily, what in Merlin's name are you doing?" Alice asked, arching an eyebrow at her roommate.

"I'm looking for my diary," Lily said. She was plowing through the formerly organized books on her shelves, tossing them over her shoulder as she went. "Some git went and stole it."

"Are you sure it was stolen?" Alice was usually the voice of reason in situations, to keep Lily from losing her temper.

"I guess I might've dropped it somewhere. But if someone stole it, I swear I will hex their behind into next week, and I'll—"

"Calm down, Lils. Maybe you should go to the common room and ask if anyone's seen it."

As they spoke, James Potter was sitting in one of the chairs in the common room, staring at the diary that sat in his lap. He hastily stuffed it in his school bag as soon as he heard Lily's footsteps coming into the room.

"James, have you…um…seen a little red book with my initials on it, by any chance?"

He gulped and tried to keep his voice steady. He was a marauder; he was good at lying smoothly…why was this so hard?

_Because it's Lily,_ Said a voice in the back of his mind.

"Uh…no. Why do you ask?"

A scarlet blush glowed on her cheeks. She didn't want to admit that she kept a diary, especially not to her sworn enemy. "No reason."

She walked off to ask some first-years who were playing Exploding Snap in the corner. Trying to look casual, he walked up the staircase to the boys' dormitory.

Comfortably situated on top of his bed, James opened the little red book. "Lily Marie Evans" was written in elegant script on the first page. Underneath her name was a warning: "IF ANYONE OTHER THAN MYSELF READS THIS BOOK, BAT-BOGEY HEXES,THE FURNUNCULUS CURSE, AND ANY OTHER CURSE I CAN THINK OF WILL AWAIT THEM."

James shivered—he had firsthand experience with Lily's temper. On the next page, he found the entry she'd written the day before.

"_Saturday, February 14. Potter asked me to help him with charms today. Git. He's not very good, but he's definitely not as awful at charms as he said, so I'm pretty sure he was just trying to get some alone time with me."_

A grin spread across James' face. "She knows me so well," he muttered.

"_It was sort of a pain, but not as terrible as I thought—mainly because he kept on running his fingers through his hair every time he got frustrated and it almost looked hot when he did it. Don't get me wrong, it's still annoying that he does that all the time, but I'm just saying. It looked good._

James' grin grew even wider. Evans thought he looked hot! Score!

Just then, he heard footsteps coming up the stairs to the dormitory. It was the Marauders—he could tell because a voice, belonging to one of the people climbing the stairs, was singing "Hard Day's Night" by the Beatles completely off-key. Who would do that but Sirius Black?

Reaching quickly over to his dresser, he shoved Lily's diary into the far corner of his sock drawer, pulled out a Quidditch magazine from under his bed, and acted like he'd been reading said magazine all along.

The Marauders walked in—well, Remus and Peter walked. Sirius pranced around like a fairy on steroids, yelling "OW OW OW OW OWWIE! Remus, how could you DO that to me?" Sirius had just fallen victim to quite an admirable wedgie at the hands of Remus Lupin. The werewolf couldn't stand one more badly-sung Beatles verse from his friend.

While Sirius danced around madly, Remus flopped down on his bed. "He's been singing all day for no reason," he explained. "You could hear the noisy git from the other side of the school. It started with the Rolling Stones, then Elvis, then finally the Beatles."

"Well, at least he's got good taste." James smirked.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES…"

James cringed and tossed a pillow in the Sirius's direction. "Never mind."

A/N: Well, that ended ridiculously, but I like it. And…I just realized I referred to Sirius as a "Fairy on Steroids." HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not sorry. Thanks for reading and please review, it'll make my day! ;)


	3. Guilt? What is This Madness?

**A/N: Hey everybody! Mairi Le Fay here, reporting LIVE with the next chapter of "The Case of the Stolen Diary." Why the heck am I talking like a news reporter? Oh whatever. Blah blah blah, next chapter, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own a lot of things, including a laptop, a guitar, a healthy dose of snark, and a weird sense of humor. Unfortunately, I do not own Harry Potter, so please don't sue me.**

Through the inky darkness, James could faintly hear the snoring from four boys. Peter was the loudest snorer, but Sirius was a close second. Remus was mumbling in his sleep about his werewolf problems and stupid things Sirius had done. They were sleeping peacefully—all except James.

He was trying his best to fall asleep, but he couldn't get comfortable. No matter how much he tried to shut down his thoughts and drift off, His mind kept returning to one place—Lily's diary, which was sitting in his dresser drawer only a few feet away. It was driving him crazy, and he knew why.

He, James Potter, the devil-may-care Marauder who didn't listen to anyone, was _guilty._

He felt bad about taking Lily's diary. All that day, she had been turning the common room upside down looking for it. Every time he heard her voice asking someone, "Have you seen a small red book with my initials on it?" his heart sank a little more.

How long was this going to go on? He had to return it, but soon after that he'd just take it again to see if she had written anything new. How long would he do that—forever? He felt like a full-fledged stalker, but he had to know what Lily thought of him. If he saw anything suggesting she secretly liked him, he would be appeased.

After a few more minutes of staring at the wall, he came up with a plan. He'd give back the diary, and during school try his best to be nice—no more pranks on her or asking her out five times a day. He'd help her out with schoolwork, hold doors open, all that "gentleman" crap, and then steal back the diary to see if she'd written anything about it. He felt like a jerk, but he just wanted assurance that she didn't hate his guts.

He opened his drawer and fished out the diary. "Lumos," he whispered, as loud as he dared. He opened up the book and read, by the light of his wand.

Boredly, he sifted through the pages until he suddenly stopped. His name was mentioned in an entry from "Sunday, December 25th."

_Merry Christmas, diary! I got a whole box of candy from my parents and a green bracelet from Petunia, but she probably only got a present for me because Mum and Dad forced her to. I got loads of stuff from Alice, Dorcas, Mary, and—here's a surprise—James! I wasn't expecting him to get me anything, and I'm a bit guilty that I didn't give him a present. He got me a silver necklace with a lily on it. It was sweet of him—so sweet that I actually considered saying "yes" the next time he asks me out. But I've seen how he treats girls—they think he really likes them because he buys them gifts, but none of them ever stay dating him for more than a month. I'm not falling for him that easy._

James shut the diary. Was that really the only reason why she wouldn't say yes to a date—his other relationships? He'd only dated other girls to make Lily jealous, but he never imagines it would backfire and make him look like a player. **(A/N. **_**boys. **_***eye roll*)**. Lily was the only girl he wanted –and he would, he promised himself as he put the diary back in his drawer, make her see that.

**A/N. Wow, James is a total stalker. But aren't we all, really? Don't try to deny that you haven't stalked someone at some point in your life. You have. Sorry this chapter didn't really have that much randomness in it, but I promise I'll include some crazy stuff in the next one. I'm Mairi Le Fay, and I'll join you next time with another chapter of "The Case of the Stolen Diary!"**


	4. Of Syrup Stains and Clumsiness

**Hello, my awesome people! Well, I**_** assume **_**you're people. You could be dragon cyborgs for all I know. Oh how lovely my imagination is. Anyway, read on! I added a little bit of Sirius ridiculousness in here. In the actual books, I doubt he would have been this goofy, but this is fanfiction and I can do what I want. None of you are even reading this, are you? Didn't think so. Nobody reads ANs this far. If you are reading this, I applaud you for having a higher AN tolerance than I.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. …OR DO I?! HAHAHAHAHAH! In reality, though, I do not. So don't sue me, JKR!**

**Warning: There is a swear in this chapter. Just a little one. I think you can handle it, and if you can't—well, how can I put this delicately?—you're a bit of a wimp.**

Early that morning, James snuck to the Common Room—under the invisibility cloak—and placed Lily's diary on a small table by the couch. Returning it did nothing to alleviate his guilt—in fact, the happiness in her voice as she exclaimed, "I FOUND IT!" Was enough to make him want to abandon his plans entirely. Maybe he shouldn't keep stealing it back. Maybe he should just let Lily and her diary be.

These thoughts revisited James at breakfast that day, whirling in his mind like a tornado. He wasn't touching the mountain of food on his plate. **(A/N: Why do so many boys—my dad especially—always eat insane amounts of food at once? But then again, I could eat everything in my fridge if I felt like it, so there's that.) **The other Marauders were joking and messing around, not paying attention to James's melancholy mood.

"JAMESIE!"

Scratch that.

Sirius Black stuck his grinning face right in front of James's. "What's got your feathers ruffled, Prongs? You look grumpy today."

James stared at his friend. "I do not have feathers."

"Maybe ya do, maybe ya don't."

"What does that even MEAN?"

Sirius was about to make some nonsensical reply, but he went flying out of his seat before the words could leave his mouth.

"Budge up, Padfoot, you won't make James feel better by annoying the crap out of him." Remus, who had pushed Sirius out of the chair, sat down next to James in the previously-occupied-by-Sirius seat.

Sirius, however, was having none of the instructions. "I will annoy who I want, _thankyouverymuch. _You're a meanie! You're…you're a MOONY meanie, geddit?" He laughed, squirting orange juice out of his nose. Remus cringed.

"Well," James snickered, "That display of pure idiocy made me feel a little better. Thanks."

Sirius sat up and pointed a dramatic at his two friends. "Ah-HA! See, Meanie Moony? I helped! I am a _genius _at helpfulness. In fact, I am just an all-around genius."

For a while he continued feeding his ego in this vein, until he noticed James, Remus, and Peter (who had joined them hallway through Sirius's speech). All three of them were trying to hold in their laughs.

"Oi, what's so funny?" Sirius demanded, annoyed that they weren't paying attention.

"Well, mate—" James choked and rested his head against the table, giggling madly. Remus took over the explanation. "You had a giant maple syrup stain in the crotch area of your trousers all through your speech about how much of a genius you are."

Unable to contain themselves, the three boys howled with laughter as Sirius blushed and shuffled off, presumably to find a clean pair of trousers. James left the Dining Hall for transfiguration, feeling much less grouchy than he had that morning.

A few feet away from James, Lily Evans was walking to Transfiguration with a smile on her face. She'd finally found her beloved diary—it had somehow migrated from her bag to the table beside the couch. The little red book was now safely tucked in between her Astronomy and Transfiguration textbooks.

Suddenly, Lily's foot caught on a crack in the floor. The aforementioned textbooks went tumbling out of her arms (She'd forgotten to bring her bookbag). She screwed her eyes shut tight and waited for the cool stone of the floor to collide with her face.

The impact never came.

Instead, Lily found herself planted in a pair of warm arms.

JAMES POTTER'S arms.

Her infuriating suitor, who had rushed up to catch her when he saw her stumble, was holding her a few feet above the ground. This was the exact kind of situation he would have teased her about, but he didn't look teasing. His face was going red, and he had a sort of confused expression on his face. She was inclined to thank him, but her common sense took over before that was a possibility.

"What the HELL, Potter?"

He hurriedly stood her up and backed away, hands in the air. The old, obnoxious James Potter grin was beginning to spread on his face. "Whoa there, Evans. I just didn't want you to fall."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Uh, well, thanks."

James bent down and began picking up her books, which were scattered on the floor. "Don't mention it." He picked up all the books and, instead of giving them back, walked off to class. He talked to her animatedly as he went, leaving her with no choice but to follow him.

_Oh, so you're gonna walk me to class and carry my books for me, are you?" _She thought. _Fine, then,_

James cracked a joke about Professor Binns, making Lily giggle. In return, she said something slightly (cough _very_ cough) rude about Professor Slughorn, making James laugh out loud. It was nice, making him laugh—it almost made her want to laugh, too.

When they entered the classroom, they got a reproving look from Professor McGonagall for their lateness. Sirius, who had noticed James and Lily having smiling at each other as they walked, gave James a thumbs-up. Lily scowled as James gave a thumbs-up to his friend and set Lily's books on her desk. _Boys. _But no matter how much she hated James, she couldn't help thinking, _"Well…maybe I wouldn't mind having him walk me to class more often."_

She shook her head, embarrassed. But then, to her even greater embarrassment, she found herself daydreaming about how warm his arms felt when he caught her, and how she could feel his muscles holding her up from the ground, and his adorable blush when he fully realized what he'd just done. A blush crossed Lily's porcelain face as she thought about it. Then, she turned full-on tomato red as she wondered what James would think if he could hear her humiliating thoughts. His head would get so big that his shoulders would be unable to support it. Lily grinned. No, James would never, ever be allowed to know about it.

Luckily, she had her diary to confide in.

**AN: Ooh, Lily! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Review please! xx**


	5. Sirius Black, The Genius

**The Case of Stolen Diary**

**Chapter 5**

**A/N: Greetings, my lovely robot dragons! (I can say that if I want, don't judge me.) I really have no clue what to say for this AN, so…uh, next chapter! Sorry I'm a bit late! Yeah.**

**Disclaimer: Dude-bro, do I LOOK like J.K. Rowling? Well, you can't see me. Well, let's put it this way—I, a fangirl who is somewhere in the 12 years old—17 years old range (Haha, My actual age shall remain a mystery forever!) am not JKR. Don't sue me. Thanks.**

_Monday, February 15__th_

_Today I tripped in the hallway—graceful moment, for sure—and all my books went tumbling out of my arms. I would've hit my face on the ground, but James, James POTTER, caught me. And he wasn't even obnoxious about it—when he realized that he'd just saved me from smashing my face, his face went all red. It was, surprisingly, kind of cute. And (Oh God I feel dirty) I could feel his muscles through his shirt, and his arms were so strong, they fit around me perfectly, and for a minute his hazel eyes—which I've always found cute, but if you tell anyone that I'll die—were staring directly into my own. DAMNIT, why did he have to get so HOT?! Thank God I've got this diary—if he ever actually knew that I said all that, I'd have to jump off the highest tower of Hogwarts. _

James closed Lily's diary, feeling unspeakably dirty. That one line—"If he actually knew I said that…"—was bouncing around in his brain. This was wrong; he shouldn't be looking through Lily's private thoughts…

But then he realized something that, to his teenage boy's brain, made everything almost worth it. It took a while for it to fully notice it, but when he did, it hit him like a two-ton freight train.

Lily had written about James's muscles, his eyes, the way he blushed, and she had said "DAMNIT, Why did he have to get so HOT?" She had stated, firmly and undeniably, that she thought he was hot.

Lily Evans thought James Potter was hot.

Years later, when the memory of that moment was as hazy and blurred as the view through a fogged-up window, James would say that he took the news in a pretty mature fashion—of course, he would say this more to appease his ego than for any other reason. But this was the present and James was James, so he did what any love-struck boy would do in that situation—he hopped off his bed and danced around the boys' dormitory, singing "LILY EVANS THINKS I'M HOT! LILY EVANS THINKS I'M HOT! HAHAHAHA LILY EVANS THINKS I'M HOT!"

He kicked off his shoes and jumped up and down on his bed, still singing tunelessly. And at this most humiliating moment, Sirius decided to walk into the dormitory.

"James, mate…what are you _doing?"_

James stopped jumping so abruptly, he almost fell off the bed. "Umm…"

"And—what's this little red book?"

"NO NO NO, SIRIUS, DON'T TOUCH THA—"

Too late. Sirius was thumbing through the diary, looking impressed and shocked at the same time. "Mate…is this…Lily's diary?"

James winced.

"Oh, Jamesie, you are _completely _dead," Sirius said, drawing out the word 'completely.' "Lily's been in an absolute rage all afternoon. You've probably been too busy obsessing over this diary, but she's practically destroyed the girl's dorm looking for it, and now she's turning the common room upside down. Only a matter of time before she comes in here."

"So…I'm screwed?"

Sirius nodded. "Completely."

There was a brief, worried silence in which James wondered how he was going to get out of this. However, the quiet was interrupted by a loud scream of anger and heavy footsteps coming up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. James's eyes widened. "Oh damn, she's coming in here!"

"I warned ya, mate."

James chucked a pillow at his unhelpful friend and, finding no better hiding spot, crammed the diary down the back of his shirt and sat up against the wall. A split second later, the door flew open to reveal Lily, her green eyes bulging with fury. Her angry face was slowly turning the same color as her hair, which was practically standing on end. James forced his face into what he hoped was a mildly surprised look. Sirius, however, didn't have the same common sense.

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed. "PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE, WOMAN, DON'T HURT ME! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'M TOO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL TO DIIIEEEEEE!"

"Quiet," Lily ordered, and Sirius clamped his mouth shut. "Have either one of you seen my diary? You know, the one that went missing a day ago? I definitely think someone stole it this time."

"No, I haven't seen a diary in here," said James, exerting superhuman efforts to keep his voice from shaking.

Lily's left eyebrow raised slightly. "Well, can I look around a little? I really need to find it."

"Well, you could, but I wouldn't recommend it. Peter has a habit of leaving his dirty boxers lying around, and stumbling across a pair of those could be mildly traumatizing." Sirius said, pulling a disgusted face to convince her further. Lily wrinkled her nose and surveyed the room, wondering whether or not it was worth it. It wasn't, she decided. "Uh, just tell me if you find my diary, will you?" James nodded and she left.

As soon as the door was firmly closed and the sound of Lily's footsteps had grown faint, James turned to Sirius with an expression of wonder in his eyes. "Padfoot, mate, did you just do something SMART?"

Sirius seemed to be replaying the conversation in his head. "Merlin, I think I did."

After about thirty seconds of awed silence, Sirius jumped three feet in the air. "What are we WAITING for?! Let's PARTY, for Sirius Black just did something clever! I'll go to Hogsmeade and swipe a few bottles of Firewhiskey." He ran out of the dormitory, or at least tried to—in his excitement, the amazingly clever Sirius Black had forgotten that to exit the room, he needed to open the door first. He smacked his forehead into the door, fell over backwards, and rolled around on the floor screaming. "OH, MY HEAD! I'M FEELING FAINT! IT'S ALL GOING BLACK…"

James rolled his eyes and pulled out a Quidditch magazine. "Does this mean the 'Sirius Black is Smart' party is canceled?"

"Maybe, but I'm still gonna go and get some Firewhiskey."

**A/N: Ah, yes, the incredible genius that is Sirius Black. This was REALLY fun to write, I hope you liked it! Peace out, dudes and dude-ettes! **


	6. Shockers, Firewhiskey, andCheryl?

The Case of the Stolen Diary

Chapter 6

**AN: Hellloooooooooo everybody! Here's the next chapter of TCSD. I just **_**might **_**add some drunken Sirius in here, if y'all can handle that level of ridiculous. If you don't appreciate random bouts of...uh, randomness, I'd suggest you just skip over this chapter. Or maybe this entire fic. XD I regret nothing.**

**Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Queen JKR. Well, except for some things. If you see any idiocy, that's mine.**

**OH YEAH! IMPORTANT NOTE THAT NOBODY'S GONNA READ BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY! This story is supposed to be silly and humorous, and that's why I'm painting Sirius as such a doofus. I don't remember anything in the books suggesting that Sirius was a moron, or a total player who dated a different girl every week, or any of the other things that fanfictions paint him as, and I'm not saying that he actually was any of those things. Ok, I just got really serious and rant-y. ON WITH THE MADNESS! And the overuse of exclamation points! **

It had never before been seen.

As Hogwarts students walked past this shocking spectacle, their mouths dropped open. They rubbed their eyes in disbelief, for the impossible had happened: Lily Evans and James Potter were sitting together at breakfast, smiling and enjoying a civil conversation. Lily hadn't tried to throw a food item at James's face, or called him a git, or even yelled at him. And James hadn't asked Lily out or used a single corny pick-up line, either. It was the most insanely uncharacteristic behavior that had ever been seen of the two.

Lily and James, however, were oblivious to all the people staring openly. They were just talking, and enjoying it, too. Lily had a serene smile on her face (Probably because she had found her diary lying on the couch). James was trying to feel guilty about that, but it was impossible in his current state of euphoria.

The two Marauders were also quite surprised, much like the rest of the Dining Hall, but for a different reason. Lily, little miss perfect prefect who followed all the rules without question, was actually pretty funny when she wanted to be. Even _Sirius _probably thought so.

Wait…where was Sirius?

"Has anyone seen Padfoot?" Remus asked. James and Lily, who had been staring at each other for the past five minutes, turned away awkwardly and looked around the hall. Sirius was nowhere to be found.

"Oh NO! Someone's gone and stolen him!" Lily joked.

"Knowing Sirius, he's just lying around in bed. He'll probably be down to class in a while," said James. "We probably ought to get to class ourselves. Who knows, Professor Binns might actually notice if we're late."

The group laughed at his comment and got up from their table, leaving a few last disbelieving onlookers to gawk at Lily and James.

The rest of the day was fairly unremarkable. Lily took notes, James stared at Lily, Remus took notes, and Peter copied Remus's notes. Professor Binns's class was just as dull as always, until James tossed a folded-up note at Lily from his desk.

_Dear Lily—_

_I know I've asked this a million times during our time at Hogwarts, and I really hope you won't try to decapitate me for this, but…will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend? _

_James_

Lily looked up from the note to see James sitting at his desk a few seats away. He was staring at his notes, determined not to make eye contact, but she could see his eyes dart in her direction every few seconds. She smiled down at her own desk and quickly scrawled out a short and simple reply, which she discreetly threw in his direction.

_James—_

_Yes._

_Lily_

James had a huge, idiotic grin on his face for the rest of the day, while Lily wore a tiny but noticeable blush.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

At the end of the day, James (and his still-present idiot grin) walked into the Boys' Dormitory. He stopped short a few seconds after getting through the doorway, staring at the sight in front of him. The Case of the Stolen Sirius **(AN: Hahaha see what I did there?) **had suddenly been solved.

Sprawled across the bed, with an empty bottle of Firewhiskey in his hand and three more bottles littered around his bed, was a very, very drunk Sirius. He was lying flat on his back, singing "A Hard Day's Night" by the Beatles and hiccupping between verses, but that wasn't what had rendered James speechless. The entire dormitory was covered in green paint, and Hagrid's dog Fang was sitting on Peter's bed. Fang had made himself right at home and was currently slobbering all over a pair of Remus's socks.

James mouthed wordlessly, too stunned to speak. When he finally got his voice back, the words he screamed were so dirty and rude that they shall not be repeated here.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ****ING **** DID YOU DO, YOU ********* PIECE OF ****?! James roared, temporarily forgetting about the first-years in the common room who could hear everything he was saying.

"Now, now, Jamesie-poo," Sirius slurred. "It's not nice to yell at people who are hopelessly stone drunk."

Suddenly, James remembered the conversation he and Sirius had engaged in yesterday, which had ended with the sentence, "Maybe, but I'm still gonna go and get some Firewhiskey."

James rolled his eyes and sighed. "Now it all makes sense. Except for the green paint, and Fang. What the hell happened here?"

"I decided the room would be more fun if it was green, but I got sick of painting halfway through. And then I let Cheryl in so he could see the results."

James mentally inferred that Sirius had stolen the dog right out of Hagrid's cabin rather than 'let him in,' but that thought was temporarily pushed aside, for a more ridiculous one had suddenly hit him. "Did you just call him…Cheryl?"

"Yeah. I renamed him."

"Oh, for—Cheryl is a GIRL'S name, you ignoramus!"

Sirius raised an eyebrow loftily. "I think it suits him more than Fang. What do you think, Cheryl?"

'Cheryl' ignored him and continued drooling on the sock, which had become very nasty by that point. James rolled his eyes and muttered a quick spell to get rid of the green paint. Sirius tried to sit up in outrage, but was so drunk that he toppled right back over again and just lay there on the floor, shouting curses at his friend. James rolled his eyes _again _and grabbed Cheryl/Fang, stuffed the dog and himself under his invisibility cloak, and headed out the door to give Hagrid his dog back.

*10 minutes later*

As James neared Hagrid's cottage, he saw the half-giant searching the entire area for Fang.

"FANG! Where are yeh, boy?"

At the sound of his master's voice, Fang dashed out from under the invisibility cloak (almost unbalancing James in the process) and ran up to Hagrid.

"FANG!" Where WERE yeh?"

"I found him," said James. "It's, uh…a long story, but here's Cher—I mean, _fang."_

Hagrid seized James in a bone-crushing hug. "Thank yeh, James! Why don't yeh come in and visit for a second? Lily's here."

He winked as he said the last part. Blushing furiously, James accepted and followed Hagrid into the hut. There he found Lily sitting at the table, drinking tea. She smiled, and so did he as he pulled out a chair next to her.

"How are you doing?" She asked.

"Fine," he said, even though it wasn't entirely true. Between the long day of classes and the Sloshed Sirius Incident (as it he had come to think of it), his earlier euphoria was wearing off.

"Liar," Lily said simply.

"What?"

"You're not fine. What happened?"

Hagrid, who had just joined them a second ago, winked again at James. "You can't slip anything past women, James, they'll figure yeh out."

James sighed, silently cursed the female gender for being so perceptive, and related the whole tale of Sirius's loss of sobriety. By the time he'd finished his story, Hagrid was roaring with laughter and Lily's forehead was resting against the table as she wheezed and tried to regain the ability to breathe.

"That Sirius feller sure is…interesting," said Hagrid. Lily nodded, giggling.

"Well, we ought to be getting back to the school. It's gonna be dinnertime soon, and we'll probably have to haul Sirius out of the dorm so he doesn't starve to death." Said James. Lily got up and Hagrid walked them to the door, winking at James one last time.

The two of them walked back to Hogwarts, chatting amiably, and James felt that some of the morning's happiness was growing back.

**AN: THIS IS REALLY LATE AND I'M SORRY! I am an awful human being. Apologies! Hope you enjoyed! Review! I am using too many exclamation points but who really cares****?!**


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